Nothing else matters
by Yu Shui
Summary: I was safe. Safe in his arms. Moving closer. Pressing himself against me. Wrapping my arms around his strong neck. Comfort. Safe. I'm safe. Always safe with him. Moving his hands over my naked chest. Tears. Tears


[Nothing else matters] [Metallica]  
  
Twisting... turning... tossing. Wide awake. My shivering hand is searching the bedside next to me. Empty. As always. He left before dawn. He likes it dark. Blanket goes off. I put my cold feet on the floor and walk over to the window. Darkness. Even outside. I stepped in something wet and sticky. Blood. His. Mine. Our blood. I bent down. Dipped my finger into it. Warm. I watched it swirl around my finger. He felt so close. My mind wandered off. Searched for him...he didn't want to be found. Gone. I could still feel his soft embrace. Cold. I went back to bed. I could see the marks of his slender body on the other side of the bed. Guilt. I would always blame myself.  
  
[So close...no matter how far...]  
  
Memories. Why was it that I had none of him? Guilt. Guilt as always. My whole life had been a lie. And that lie had been told to him. And me. Lies. Still Cold. Still alone. Searching.... not there. As always. Pulling cloth tighter. Still cold. It had been ever since he left. Flashback. Skin touching skin. Soft whispering. Words I have always longed to hear. Kiss. Soft lips against mine. Silver-grey hair brushing against my cheek. Clothes falling. Falling to the floor. Sweet kisses. Closeness. Protected. Twisting.... bodies twirling. Love.  
  
[Couldn't be much more from the heart...]  
  
Never leave me. He had. But only for now. Never betray me. I had. I had betrayed him. Guilt. Always the burning guilt. Itching inside of me. It was not cold anymore. Still shivering. Not as jaded as I thought I was. I had never been. Somewhere deep inside I was still shivering. Itching from underneath my skin. Somewhere deep inside I was still the nine-year-old boy. Raining. The rain couldn't reach me in my bed. Comforted by his tight arms around me. I have to find myself again. He will help me. Itching. Forever devoured in eternal guilt. The man had changed me. But he had helped me find my way back.  
  
[Forever trust in who we are...]  
  
He hadn't blamed me. He knew that he couldn't blame me more than I already did myself. Guilt. He should blame me. Hurt. Pain. Loss. Itching. Shivering. Safe. No physical pain. Forgotten. All my pain forgotten when I was with him. Sweet kissing. His scarred body covering mine. Tight arms wrapped around me. pulling me closer. Tears running down his cheeks. Pressing myself against his smooth chest. Exit the light. Enter night. Not alone. Comfort. No pain. Only love. His love. My love. The love we shared. Comfort. Comfort in his arms. He didn't blame me.  
  
[ And nothing else matters...]  
  
Shivering. Soft crying. Tears that hadn't run out last night. Cold. Memories. Last night. Crying. Crying in his arms. The arms that loved me. To be held. Him holding me. Crying. Never ending wells of sadness. Whispering. It would be ok. I knew that it was. Guilt. Tears of guilt burning my cheeks. So many tears. Cold. It hadn't been. Always warm in his arms. Scarred chest. Holding me. Hands on my head. Rocking me. Wiped all my tears away with his words. Tears from a nine-year old boy. That boy was me. He had regained me. More tears. I had never cried in eighteen years. Silver stream of tears twirling down my cheek.  
  
[I've never opened myself this way...]  
  
Cold. I had gone through my whole life feeling cold. Chill. Never. Never cold with him. Pain. Who felt it the most, I wonder? Him. Or me. Years ago. Itching. Can't be forgotten. Tears coming from his amber eye. Pain. Haunted. The pain still hadn't left him. Cold. Itching. Eating me up alive. Betrayal. Tears of betrayal burning in his golden eye. Not pain. Loud. Listen. You could hear his heart rip in half. No pain. We did it. Together. The man and me. Betrayal. We betrayed him. Guilt. Never ending guilt. Burning forever in flames stronger than hell fire. No pain. No pain from the arm. The arm that we broke. Together. Smile. Satisfaction. The man smiled. Inside. The man smiled from inside me. I did not break his arm. Guilt. Cold. Shivering. The man did. But he hadn't blamed me. Pure. Innocent. Only a memory now. Lost. My innocence was lost. It was my life. Strength. I had regained it with his strength.  
  
[Life is ours we live it our way...]  
  
Never again. Never alone again. Never hurting him. Never again. Never cold again. Comfort. Each day. Each night. Comfort. Protected. Guilt. Always. Never. Always guilt. Never go away. Trust. He believed me. I cried. And he believed me. He believed me. Even though I had failed him, he believed me. But I didn't fail him. The man. Guilt. The man is the one who should be feeling this guilt. Not me. Never ending guilt. Crawford. The man's name is Crawford. Cold. Cold alone. Never cold with him. Love. We shared the love. He believed me. He knew I always speak the truth. He believed me.  
  
[ All these words I don't just say...]  
  
Come. Lay beside me. Please. I need you...love you. I search for him again. Tears. Pillow soaked with tears. Tears. Helps to ease the pain. Tell me what I did. Talk to me. Because I don't remember it myself. He is nowhere to be found. Gone. Cold without him. Guilt. Need. I need to know. What did I do to him? Guilt. Refuses. He refuses to tell me. Forgotten. That was in the past, he'd say. Pulling me closer. I feel his tight embrace. Loved. I feel loved. He doesn't care what I did. We are together now. I don't hurt him now.  
  
[And nothing else matters...]  
  
Hard. It had been so hard. To get rid of the cold. To trust again. Impossible. He. He had helped me get through it. Always. I loved him. He loved me. Trust. We lie to each other so much. He was betrayed by lust. By the lust he had for me. I had betrayed him. And yet, he trusted me. Would this coldness ever go away? I couldn't even trust him. Crawford. Fucking Crawford. Destroyed. He had ruined my ability to trust. Ravage. Ravaging my soul.  
  
[ Trust I seek and I find in you...]  
  
Still dark. Trembling I lay under the blanket. Wide awake. The sun will not rise for yet a couple of hours. Waiting. Shivering. Waiting. For him. Longing for him. He always leaves before dawn. From dusk to dawn we love. Warm. I could feel warm for hours afterwards. Naked skin against his hard warms chest. Moving over the even warmer hardness further down. Strong. He feels so strong. I pretend as if I never noticed his soft crying. Beloved Farfie. Tears. Tears only make him more attractive. After dawn. He's gone. When he's gone. I live only for the next dusk. He comes like the rain. I never know when. Cold. Always cold when I'm left alone again. Waiting. Silently crying. Waiting for the next dusk.  
  
[Every day for us something new...]  
  
Every muscle in my body tense. I can never relax. Guilt. The bloods floating through my veins like fire. Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart racing. Still cold. The guilt keeps me awake. He is the only one that can put my haunted soul to rest. His gentle fingers sliding down my back. Warm. He is always so warm. Always. Love. He would always tell me that it was ok. Blame. He never blamed me. Maybe it wasn't my fault.  
  
[ Open mind for a different view...]  
  
Blame. Oh, why did I waste my time on blame? We were together now. Hurt. Protected. Crawford could never hurt me again. Light. No light shining through the curtains. Hesitate. I sat up. Light headiness. Too fast. Window. Curtain. Cold. Even colder without the blanket. Ache. My whole body called for him. Searching...yet again.... nothing. Slowly. I could feel my mind slowly seeking every crevice for him. Blood. More blood. All over the floor. Naked feet covered in blood. I could still remember that night. Whip. Blood. Copper taste in my mouth. Crawford. Whip. Laughing. Darkness. Blood. Dark corner. Scared nine-year old. Whip. More blood. Blood floating down on my bare feet. Laughing. But I never cried. He was always with me. He came to me in my mind. Never alone. Never cold. Pain. I couldn't feel the whip. I knew only him.  
  
[ And nothing else matters...]  
  
Light. I needed light. I pulled away the curtain. Light was my only ally. Moonlight. Bright, bright moonlight. Stinging my eyes. Cleaning my soul. Blood. Blood stains on my forehead. Blood stains on my bandanna. The yellow bandanna. The bandanna he gave me. The yellow bandanna. The one that I always wear. That is because he gave it too me. Presence. Strong feeling of presence. Thump. Thump. Thump. Not too cold any more. Bright, bright moonlight. A shadow reflecting in the moonlight. Moving closer. Slender fingers. Beautiful fingers gently wrapping around my waist. Scarred fingers clasping mine. Soft, cherry-red lips brushing my neck. Hardly touching at all. Silver grey hair illuminates the moonlight. Smoothened moonlight. Warm. I felt warm. Pulling me tighter. I turn around. Breathe. Share the same air. Love. His lovely face. Tongues touching. Beautiful.  
  
*Music rising*  
  
Scarred hands. Wounds that just started healing. No new scars. Not since that night. Scarred hands moving through my hair. Massaging my skull. No new scars. God had returned me to him. Forever grateful. He would be forever grateful. No kissing. Moonlight. We stand in the bright moonlight in the middle of the floor. Blood. We stand in blood. Warm blood. Fresh blood. No kissing. To be held. He's holding me. No kissing. Only holding me. Perfectly still. On the middle of the floor. Our naked feet covered with blood. That is love. That is the kind of love that is impossible to break. The kind of bound that we shared had helped me find my way back. Slender fingers running down my collarbone. Soft lips pressed against mine. Hunger. With a longing and a hunger that hadn't been fed for eighteen years. It didn't matter what happened. We would stay in that moment forever. Even if we weren't together. I would always be with him.  
  
[ Never care for what they do...]  
  
I was safe. Safe in his arms. Moving closer. Pressing himself against me. Wrapping my arms around his strong neck. Comfort. Safe. I'm safe. Always safe with him. Moving his hands over my naked chest. Tears. Tears running down my cheeks. Soft touch. Gentle touch. Beautiful. Yellow burning eye. Sorrow. Relief. His hands moving up. Grabbing my face. Pulling me next to his. The golden amber was all I knew. Even as he broke off the kiss. Amber. He didn't have to tell me. It would last forever. Amber. Golden amber. Crawford could never have me. Never. The American knew that Crawford had the power to regain me. But Crawford could never have my heart. It would forever belong to silver grey hair, amber eyes and pale, almost white skin.  
  
[ Never care for what they know...]  
  
Slim body pressed against mine. Scarred hands moving along my back. Wet tongue licking my shoulder as we fell to the floor. Ecstasy. A feeling of complete perfection. He broke my fall. He fell to the ground. As all other nights before he liberated me from my Speedos. Naked skin is touching mine. Blood on the floor. Keeping us warm. Sucking the blood of his shoulder. He rolled on top of me. Gently lay me down on the floor. My chest was sticky from warm blood. Soft, soft lips kissing my back. Forever lost in the moment. A soul, which was so devoured in pain only, lived for the moment. This was our moment. Forever.  
  
[ And I know...]  
  
More blood. His. Mixing with mine on the floor. Strong arms holding me. Sweet voice whispering in my ear. The words that each person lived only to hear. Ultimate completion. No pain. No guilt. Bodies twirling on the floor. All pain, all guilt...forgotten. A silver haired angel whispering in my ear. Stroking me. Taking care of me. The words of love. A brief wink of paradise. Forever lost in the angels touch. Scarred face next to mine. Cheeks touching. Sunset-red hair and Silver-grey in a tangled mess on the floor. I didn't care if anyone should see us. He would protect me from harm. Trust. Finally....trust. He would fly away from here with me. Away from Schwartz if anyone tried to harm us. I could feel him getting harder. I was already at a pulsating frenzy. My mind was empty of all else than his touch. The others could say what they wanted. There was no stopping us now. I was already lost in the arms of an angel.  
  
[ Never care for things they say...]  
  
Whisper. Moving up and down. Rolling... twisting... twirling on the floor. Smile. His smile. The barrier hiding the amber eyes finally broke. He smiled. And this time, the smile reached his eyes. Nothing Crawford ever did could take that away from me. No mind-games that the American did could take him away. He was mine. He was eternal. He would always be with me. I could feel him coming closer. Not forcing his way inside of me... but gently...one step at a time, he came. He thrust inside of me. Perfection. His beautiful face worried. Afraid of hurting me. I turned briefly and kissed his shoulder gently. His eyes filled with tears. Tears. He had never felt like this in eighteen years. Love. That is the correct word for it. Love. The love we shared. No mind-games could take his love away. He wouldn't let it happen twice. Never. Beloved angel. Beloved.  
  
[ Never care for games they play...]  
  
Wet. Bright moonlight. Warm. Safe. Sticky blood. Warm bodies tumbling on the floor. Holding mine. We come one. No limits for the ecstasy. No strings attached. We fly. He does not exist any more. Neither do I. For a brief moment...there is only us. We swirl around the floor. He's holding me. Kissing me. Soft, beautiful lips kissing mine. Our hunger is finally fed. Fed by the love that we share. His hands are all over me. Mine rests on his strong, muscular back. I'm learning all his scars by heart. Feeling them, licking them. Boxers, sunglasses and bandanna in a bloody, sticky mess in the far corner. Him. He smiles as he pulls out of me, but he doesn't let go.. Don't ever let go! Ever... stay with me. He's holding me. I'm clinging to him. Clinging to his arms. As his embrace becomes looser and he sleepily whispers the words in my ear, I understand. It doesn't matter what anyone does. We will always have each other. We will never be apart. For the first time in eighteen years I fall asleep with a smile on my face. Held by the angel that loves me.  
  
[ I never care for what they do...]  
  
[ I never care for what they know...]  
  
[ And I know...]  
  
[...that nothing else matters.] 


End file.
